My drug story, need advices...
Hi all, this is my first post. I'm a drug user since I was 15, started smoking, drinking (never had drinking problem), then I started with weed. I found a whole world to discover on those things called "drugs", a world that amazed me. I studied chemistry, biology.. I feel like I'm smart but what kind of smart ends like this? Now I'm 23. I tried all the drugs I could find, synthesise some of them, and tried all the routes of administration, for mostly all of the drugs I've tried.
After knowing weed, I started to look for information about drugs, I've always started trying them by my own, no one ever offered me something I had not tried before.
I started "studying" stimulants, amphetamine, mdma, cocaine.. so far no problem, monthly or weekend use, everything was fine, no addiction, everything under control, job, family, school..
Then Psychdelics, mushrooms, LSD, 2c-x. Still no problems at all, weekend user of "hard drugs" but daily user of weed.
Then I tried heroin. I want to make it clear that I did deep research before taking all drugs I've tried, including heroin. I knew it was physically addictive. I managed to use it only on weekends, once a month.. no problems, I knew how to use it without going into WDs. Some weekends I used heroin, others amphetamines, others mdma, others LSD, others just weed and alcohol...
Then I had my 2nd girlfriend, when I started with her I stopped taking drugs except weed and alcohol in weekends. I was completely in love with her, then she left me after 2 months. The day before I was in heaven, then next day it was hell.
Now the story goes bad, really bad. I started snorting heroin again, it was the only thing that made me able to go to work, sleep, being happy... I get addicted to it, I didn't mind, I thought that my life without my ex-gf had no sense "why I go to work?" "why I have to wake up?"..., so I didn't care to get addicted, I could afford it and it was doing the job.
One day I tried to inject it. Since then I was more than 1 year injecting daily, with some attempts to detox by myself, I managed to get clean a couple of times but I always got depressed and relapsed.
Then I started a suboxone treatment, I'm finishing it, opiates are not the big deal now. I'm starting to inject amphetamines every day. I don't know why I can't stop. I do it for the rush, but then I feel completely depressed again after few minutes and I ask myself why the hell I'm doing this.
I had lost my appetite, I was already slim person, but now I'm a bit more.. I take every day arround 200mg of pure amphetamine a day, 6 shots a day more or less.
I feel I'm going insane, I feel paranoid (I know, early amphetamine psychosis), depressed almost all the time, taking benzos to sleep, to ease the nervousness I got for taking too much amphetamine, without benzos I would go crazy at work.
I sleep every day, and I tell to myself every night: you have to stop, you are crazy, you have a problem but you can do it, STOP!
But when I wake up next day in the morning, first thing I do is going straight to the needle and I take my dose (of paranoia) as I did when I was on heroin, but at least I could feel some kind of pleasure and relief.
I'm not in my country, I'm in another one that is not going to provide me any help, in any case I need to fix it on my own, I can not stop going work.
Any advice, meditation, or whatever to helps me go out trough this drug world? I feel like I can live only if I'm on some kind of drug..
Thanks a lot
REPLY FROM ADVISER
There is life outside of drugs. It is a scary world I am sure to you because it is out of your comfort zone. Just like any addiction, you have to work at it. Get yourself away from your sources and get into rehab. Go to 12 step meetings. See about impact panels to see what your actions are doing to others through someone elses story. Most importantly, you have to be willing to change and stick to it.
Trying and intent are useless unless you physically take action. Admit you are powerless and your life is unmanageable. Addiction is an illness and for any illness there is treatment. It may be difficult to ask for that help but know that doing it will pay off.
You have to do the work, no one else will do it for you. Meditate and imagine yourself clean. See yourself healthy and ask your higher power to help you. You may fail but it takes failure to be successful. Never, never, never give up. There is happiness out there and you have to give things up to truly find it. When you find it, you will not want to go back. I pray that you think about this and make a conscious effort to start the road to recovery and stay with it, even if it gets hard. The difficult decisions are the most important decisions. I hope this gives you some courage to move forward.
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Hi all, this is my first post. I'm a drug user since I was 15, started smoking, drinking (never had drinking problem), then I started with weed. I found a whole world to discover on those things called "drugs", a world that amazed me. I studied chemistry, biology.. I feel like I'm smart but what kind of smart ends like this? Now I'm 23. I tried all the drugs I could find, synthesise some of them, and tried all the routes of administration, for mostly all of the drugs I've tried.
After knowing weed, I started to look for information about drugs, I've always started trying them by my own, no one ever offered me something I had not tried before.
I started "studying" stimulants, amphetamine, mdma, cocaine.. so far no problem, monthly or weekend use, everything was fine, no addiction, everything under control, job, family, school..
Then Psychdelics, mushrooms, LSD, 2c-x. Still no problems at all, weekend user of "hard drugs" but daily user of weed.
Then I tried heroin. I want to make it clear that I did deep research before taking all drugs I've tried, including heroin. I knew it was physically addictive. I managed to use it only on weekends, once a month.. no problems, I knew how to use it without going into WDs. Some weekends I used heroin, others amphetamines, others mdma, others LSD, others just weed and alcohol...
Then I had my 2nd girlfriend, when I started with her I stopped taking drugs except weed and alcohol in weekends. I was completely in love with her, then she left me after 2 months. The day before I was in heaven, then next day it was hell.
Now the story goes bad, really bad. I started snorting heroin again, it was the only thing that made me able to go to work, sleep, being happy... I get addicted to it, I didn't mind, I thought that my life without my ex-gf had no sense "why I go to work?" "why I have to wake up?"..., so I didn't care to get addicted, I could afford it and it was doing the job.
One day I tried to inject it. Since then I was more than 1 year injecting daily, with some attempts to detox by myself, I managed to get clean a couple of times but I always got depressed and relapsed.
Then I started a suboxone treatment, I'm finishing it, opiates are not the big deal now. I'm starting to inject amphetamines every day. I don't know why I can't stop. I do it for the rush, but then I feel completely depressed again after few minutes and I ask myself why the hell I'm doing this.
I had lost my appetite, I was already slim person, but now I'm a bit more.. I take every day arround 200mg of pure amphetamine a day, 6 shots a day more or less.
I feel I'm going insane, I feel paranoid (I know, early amphetamine psychosis), depressed almost all the time, taking benzos to sleep, to ease the nervousness I got for taking too much amphetamine, without benzos I would go crazy at work.
I sleep every day, and I tell to myself every night: you have to stop, you are crazy, you have a problem but you can do it, STOP!
But when I wake up next day in the morning, first thing I do is going straight to the needle and I take my dose (of paranoia) as I did when I was on heroin, but at least I could feel some kind of pleasure and relief.
I'm not in my country, I'm in another one that is not going to provide me any help, in any case I need to fix it on my own, I can not stop going work.
Any advice, meditation, or whatever to helps me go out trough this drug world? I feel like I can live only if I'm on some kind of drug..
Thanks a lot
REPLY FROM ADVISER
There is life outside of drugs. It is a scary world I am sure to you because it is out of your comfort zone. Just like any addiction, you have to work at it. Get yourself away from your sources and get into rehab. Go to 12 step meetings. See about impact panels to see what your actions are doing to others through someone elses story. Most importantly, you have to be willing to change and stick to it.
Trying and intent are useless unless you physically take action. Admit you are powerless and your life is unmanageable. Addiction is an illness and for any illness there is treatment. It may be difficult to ask for that help but know that doing it will pay off.
You have to do the work, no one else will do it for you. Meditate and imagine yourself clean. See yourself healthy and ask your higher power to help you. You may fail but it takes failure to be successful. Never, never, never give up. There is happiness out there and you have to give things up to truly find it. When you find it, you will not want to go back. I pray that you think about this and make a conscious effort to start the road to recovery and stay with it, even if it gets hard. The difficult decisions are the most important decisions. I hope this gives you some courage to move forward.
if this post answered your question click LIKE
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